forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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