I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
