Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
