i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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