It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
