if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
