btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
