hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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