I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
