The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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