He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
