Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize