Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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