my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
