I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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