Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
