just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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