someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
