dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
