There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize