I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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