You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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