I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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