Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
