having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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