Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
as a side note pls kill me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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