Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
