I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
