I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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