you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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