It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
