I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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