nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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