Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
