I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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