remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
