The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
