Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
And then he peed in my hair
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