I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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