Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
