she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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