It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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