Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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