awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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