I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
