Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
