I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize