He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
