i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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