so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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