Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
