watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
