yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
