So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
