I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
