3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
