It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
